What We've Learned From Scary Movies
by Jack E. Peace
Summary: Just a list of the valuable lessons that horror movies have taught us.


Disclaimer: All of the "rules" belong to many well-known horror movies: _Final Destination, Scream, Jeepers Creepers (2), Wrong Turn, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. A Nightmare on Elm Street, Ginger Snaps, Strangeland, Freddy vs. Jason, Carrie/The Rage Carrie 2, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Ring, Wishmaster, Ripper: Letter From Hell, Child's Play and Swimfan. _

A/N: Fingers crossed that fanfiction.net doesn't decide to remove this story and ban me for a couple of days. If I don't post in a while, you'll know why. Also, a little side note to those reading my F.D. story and my "Wrong Turn" story, sorry that I haven't updated in a while, I'm working on a huge paper and I'm going to try and post around the weekend. 

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Things We Have Learned From Horror Movies 

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The Basics: 

No drugs or drinking

No sex (only virgins survive the big chase scenes at the end, don't you know the rules?) 

Never ever say you'll be right back (cause you won't be back) 

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Things We Have Learned (straight from Sparky) 

If all your friends are having the same nightmare, don't ignore it or make a joke about it, chances are, it means something. 

If there's a dog or other animal around, chances are, the killer is going to skip the dog and come straight for you, so when your dog starts barking, take that as a big warning sign. 

If you find a stone hidden inside of a box, don't pick up the stone, don't touch it and sure as hell don't rub it. Hell, don't even look at it; chances are, there's a demon inside that just wants to kill all your friends. 

If you're friends with the lead male and female, chances are, you're gonna die.

Don't pick up dazed hitchhikers (even if they're women) because, chances are, they're suicidal and you're just going to have to stop off somewhere and drop off the body, somewhere not good.

Don't get in a fight with your boyfriend moments before going into a house you've never been in, chances are, he's about to get killed and you'll never get to make up. 

If you hit a guy driving down the road, chances are, by some unknown force, he's not going to die and is going to hunt you down until you're dead. Or make a trashy sequel and make you wish you were dead. 

If someone has a vivid premonition about a large and deadly accident, just do yourself the favor and die in the accident, it'll be much less painful then what's to come. 

If you've known a guy for less then five hours and you're a good looking female, the guy's going to risk his butt to save yours.

However, if you've known a girl for nineteen hours and you think she's your new best friend, she's not because in the heat of the moment, she's going to leave your ass in the killer's hands to save her own. 

Town secrets will come back to bite you in the ass.

The past will come back as well (that half-brother/sister you didn't know you had really wants to kill you and all your friends) 

You know the part in scary movies when somebody does something really stupid and everybody hates them for it....? Don't do that something really stupid. 

If your school bus breaks down on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere, and your basketball coaches get taken away by something that flies, stay inside the bus, do not go outside and stare up at the sky looking for what took the coaches. 

Don't ever say: "I think she'll/it'll/he'll/I'll or we'll be all right" because that's a sure sign that that person will be next to die. 

If you meet the new girl, who is madly in love with you, don't have sex with her just once, thinking it'll be over after that. Chances are, she's insane and is going to stalk you until you agree to be hers forever. 

Don't think that just because a dead serial killer is now in a doll that makes him less homicidal. In fact, it probably makes him more dangerous, dolls are very unassuming. 

If you're a singer, trying to make your break in a horror movie, you're gonna die. 

If you hear legends about a video tape that kills anyone who watches it, don't watch it. 

There a scared holidays for serial killers: Halloween, Friday the 13th, frat parities to commemorate massacres, every twenty-third spring...if you're a young, good looking teenager or college student, get the hell out of town when those days roll around. 

All those stories you hear about inbred murderous men that live in the woods are true...don't go camping. 

If you happen to get information from a creepy man, don't question why he knows these things, just do whatever he says. 

If you happen to get attacked by something you believe is a big dog...don't believe it. It's not a big dog....

The profile doesn't fit the profile...the killer could be anyone. 

If you have a perfect relationship with your perfect boyfriend, chances are, he's a serial killer who really wants to kill _you_. 

Don't ever meet anyone you met online (come on kids, we should know this by now) 

Don't piss off the girl with telekinetic powers.

If you see someone dump something wrapped and roped in a sheet down a drain pipe, don't go back to see what it was. 

Don't write your name on your underwear, yes, the killer can read. 

If two famed serial killers decide to duke it out, don't get in the middle of it, just don't, you can't win. 

If there's a girl who's a punk, a rebel, an outcast, or a loser chances are she's: the killer or the one that has all the answers. 

The new southern girls at school are always the aliens. 

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This one's for the serial killers out there: 

If one of your potential victims begins to offer themselves up as easy bait, don't go for it, it's most definitely a trap. 


End file.
